This morning I stayed up until about 7AM. I couldn't sleep for the life of me. My body was tired, but my brain overrode it and I stayed up. My mind kept churning about recent events regarding Akilah and I. Things we have said to each other, accused each other of and searching for the rational truth among all the emotional detritus manifested by the hurtful things we slung at each other. Clearly there is pain, frustration and even love. However, I wonder if there is forgiveness in things that have gone down recently and over the past 2 years. Forgiveness, is it to be had on both sides? Is it possible, unconditional forgiveness?
On a lighter note the Chargers won against the Dolphins. I ended up passing out in the middle of the 4th quarter.
Akilah had a plan when she moved out. The more we talk, the more of the plan becomes revealed. Thursday night's conversation gave me a bigger glimpse of the plan. That conversation has been knocking around in my head for the past couple of days. So much so it has kept me up for most of the day and night. Rationally, what she did I can conceive. Emotionally, how she did what she did rips a whole in my chest.
Ordinarily I love new technology. But when new technology is being applied to a production environment hastily with piss poor testing just to make an arbitrarily assigned deadline. However, when it's my ass on the line and my name on things, yea I am not a happy camper about things. I have this feeling in my gut that something terrible is coming this way. The bus's speed bump will have my name written all over it. Also got word that my cubana work friend was leaving! Dude!
I got to leave at 7 today, which was a good thing. The happy hour I had planned at my house fell apart because I kept pushing the time. Halima and Matt came over and we talked shit for a bit. Olga joined us shorty after. And then a couple of Halima and Matt's friends. My head was messed up so I did what do: cook. I made some bacon wrapped shrimp, and grilled some skirt steak and chicken up for tacos. I wouldn't call them carne because they didn't get a chance to be marinated for very long.
And oh yea, I got called out for not allegedly not being loyal. I got called out for not being there for someone I had been there for time and time again. As it was put to me, not willing to "ride or die" for someone very, very close to me. This person whom at the drop of a hat I have stopped what I was doing to rush to their side from all the way across town. This same person whom I have time and time again put my selfish needs aside so they could be happy, they could have company, they could be reassured...and only to have it time and time again dismissed. I'm going to chalk this up to this person being upset and in the moment not thinking. Still, it hurts.
This day would not end at all. One of my projects stopped and started. It kept gettng worse and worse, until there was hope late in the evening. Then something blew up, not literally, but all my work on the other project stopped. I had to shift my focus to deal with that technical issue. On top of that I had to deal with someone who was NOT making my life any easier. So there were 2 technical things and 1 personal (problem with a person) that was all coming to a head around the same time. I literally had both my cell and work phone going at the same time. All the while, Akilah had been texting and calling about her night. I ended up telling her about what was going on with me. She had said she was thinking about coming up to see me with all that was going on, and I suggested she did. It was nice to have a friendly face with all that was going on.
She got to see, in the moment, the kind of issues I deal with day in and day out. That night was particularly special, read that as a pain in my ass. She got to see what happens with communication, expectations, vendors, clients and when it all goes to hell in a hand basket...the kit AND kaboodle. They are the things I tried desperately to keep at the office and not bring home with me. She enjoyed getting on her Blackberry and talking about the emails and text that came in first thing in the morning. That was me 3.5 years ago when I got my first smart phone. Now, I can wait. Unless I am called, it is really not that urgent anymore. Because once that email or text has been read, I'm not good at keeping it out of my head.
Tonight I also learned more about what was behind the move. It's quite the mind fuck, that I am having issues wrapping my mind around. I also let slip that I knew what she said on her Facebook about burning my Merriman jersey. We were joking around and my guard was down. And sure enough, the air/mood of the conversation shifted and I knew then that something was going to go down. I wonder when Facebook is going to be sued for ruining someone's life?
Kristin is in town!! I'm surprised she hasn't kicked my ass yet because no matter how much notice she gives me we might hang out once or twice. Tonight we got to hang out at El Torito and catch up. At the same time I got text from Akilah inviting me to a flair bartending competition at TGI Friday's. Early on I got a text from Brenda. It was a picture message with a glass of wine I introduced her to, with a toast. It was the first time I had heard from her since the whole Facebook debacle. Brenda didn't say where she was, but something told me to ask Akilah what was up. Sure enough they were both together and Akilah was trying to mend bridges. I saw where Akilah's head was at, I just didn't appreciate execution. If I had shown up there and saw Brenda, I wouldn't have been a happy camper. Akilah's response was, I could sit somewhere else, and pretend Brenda wasn't there. Yea, no.
Started my day at 6AM with a random call from work to fend a question whose answer had been documented so many times before. It had been handled so many times before. The upside is, I could've been called at 2:30AM but they opted not to. Bless their soul.
I got home at 8PM and watched the last part of Biggest Loser. As tired as I was, I felt compelled to watch. Hell if someone sequestered me, under the condition I loose weight while meals and training sessins were taken care of...hell yea, I would!
Today had an early start and ended up being fairly productive. Dishes were done. The last of the 8 load laundry day was done. Clothes were folded and put away. My bathroom got some much needed cleaning. And then I crashed out.
After I re-emerged, I caught up with some folks. Olga recommended we head to Harney's Sushi in Old Town and it was da shit! It's this little hip, cool sushi joint that played fun 80's and dance stuff music. Olga and I caught on what was going on with both of us. We had some cocktails while we waited and then headed to our table for some of the best sushi I've had in a long ass time! Between the 2 of us we got the Miso Harney, Hawaii 5-0, Spicy Salmon and Softshell Crab. All ridiculousy delicious. We were able to score some late night happy hour deals. As I sat there, I felt sad for a short while because as cool as this place was, I could never have brought my ex there.
I had missed out on a whole lot. She told me about possible volunteer opportunities, which sounds awesome and hope I can get down on. It was very cool having a laid back, stress free dinner.
One of the things I was raked over the coals for, was my behavior at parties and gatherings when I had a few drinks. I got flirtatious, talked a lot of shit and sometimes posed for stupid pictures in overtly sexual positions. Later I would find that out this was considered disrespectful and demeaning to my ex. The first incident happened in September 2007. I felt like a dick and did my best to make amends. I would go out of my way to avoid situations or making the same mistake twice. But on a few occasions I fucked. And while we had thought it squashed, September 2007 kept coming up again and again. The ironic part of that night is, I was told by my ex to have fun and pretend like she wasn't there. She had told me that she wanted me to have fun. So we did. EVERYone there was dancing up on people, posing stupidly for pictures and overall having a good time.
Up until today, I accepted my ex's rebukes out of hand. I had owned up to doing what I had did. There was nothing beyond blowing off some steam and having fun going on. No one, ANY occasion was trying to take things anywhere.
Today I recalled occasions where my ex put herself in the same situations she judged me for. SImilar situations where she herself, was in the moment having a good time and posed for random, flirtatious and overtly sexual pix. 5 seperate occasions came to mind, with the most recent occurence happening less than a month ago. That party in September 2007 was the scene of one such occurence. Each time something happened, I later asked her about it. I asked why was she had done been so different, than what I had done. Each and everytime there was some excuse, some explanation, some something that was tossed my way to explain what had went down. The funny thing (not funny haha) is I wasn't mad at her ever. I recognized we were at parties partying, acting a fool, blowing off steam and nothing was meant by her actions or the people with us. I was able to come to terms with these times and was able to move forward.
So I find it incredibly hypocritical that for the past 2 years, I have been judged by standards my ex herself couldn't live up to. It's easy to judge others differently, when the rules are so flexible for your ownself I guess. My point is and has always never been about "evening the score" or see who can win at inflicting the most damage. My point is and always has been, the utter lack of understanding and unfairness that persisted.
Came home and passed the hell out! Work has been working my nerves and it was nice to come home to a quiet house. I really wanted to work out tonight but thought better of it when I started thinking about being up until 2AM wired from the workout. The nap was needed.
Buttons are vicious little bitches. Buttons for me are those big red button under lock and key, that if depressed launch sequences for world ending missile launches begin somewhere underground. When it comes to people, they are those triggers that set off massive drama. Everyone has them, some are kept in check easier than others. Depending on the button and person pressing the button the effects can be mild or the effects can be disastrous. Today I was thinking about my buttons and Akilah's buttons. While I firmly believe we love each other, perhaps past tense for her by now, we both know the buttons to push to mildly irritate the other. And we both know the buttons that would cause internal armageddon for the other. Throughout this entire deal, we both have been pushing each other's buttons with our words and actions. If that expression about how we always hurt the ones we love, her and I both are exceedingly good at doing damage to the other. I was entrusted with some of Akilah's buttons, and I pushed them in my hurt and anger. And she had some of my buttons are her disposal and she pushed them as well in her pain.
I ask myself if there is any coming back...
Tonight was the Chargers season opener and they eeked out a win against the Raiders! Woohaa! It was a really good game. The Raiders shut down LT's running game. Shaun Merriman was fucking useless. I think I want a Quinten Jammer jersey. The man is friggin' fast and almost a telepath at figuring out where the ball is going to go! Chris, Mags, Olga and John cruised over to hang out. I made the first batch of spice rubbed wings of the season! John stayed back and he and I talked for a long while about what's going on with us.
Tonight was bittersweet, as this was the season opener for both the Chargers and Raiders. This was supposed to be a be one of those T&A nights. I sent a single text message because I was thinking of her the entire time. I'm glad my friends came by to keep me company. As I was doing the wings, I reached for the spray bottle Akilah had gotten to replace the one trashed at Superbowl...and it was gone. Sigh, really?
Folks have been asking me if Akilah reads this blog. She used to, but I honestly don't know and it doesn't factor into what I write here. I've began to write again because in about the decade that this blog has been up, I have neglected it. Many events, thoughts, feelings, perspectives...goood, bad, insightful, telling and painful...have all been lost. Somehwere along the line, it became ok to stop jumping on my computer and chronicling my life. For the past 1.5 years, I do not have entries. And I cannot look back and see what was going on, and that really bothers me.
First thing this morning, Jason came over and we both moved the big pieces of furniture out of the other bedroom, into the master bedroom. Homie showed up with coffee! The desk is a big black heavy monstronity that I got from Target, but it's one of my favorite pieces in the house. It makes a great workspace but it's a bitch to move. The desk just cleared the door frame, but the, well, DOOR was in the way. I was messing around trying to get the top off the table and looked up and saw that Jason already had one of the doors off the hinges. With both doors removed, it was a tight, but doable fit in moving the desk from room to room.
After chilling out for a bit I headed to Pacific Beach to check out the Brazilian Festival. I parked near Chris and Mags' and walked the rest of the way. It felt hella good to stretch my legs. Some of the crew had to bail early, so Chris and I hung out. We went to Moondoggies, Johnny Vs and Bub's - at each stop looking for the happy hour deal. It was fucking comedy people watching! The best was watching this tall, svelte, classy looking and clearly augmented chick hit on every other guy than the one she came with and left with. She did not hide it either! Home boy was getting visibly hot with her! haha! I really felt his pain.
The parade started up and it was really cool. The percussionist, singers, performers, dancers...all of them were awesome. I hadn't realized how big the Brazilian community is in San Diego. It was a great day to be out. There was this woman doing these amazing dances with a hula hoop. Chris was mesmerized, and it was figuring hella funny for me.
While prepping the wings for tomorrow's party, I went looking for the bowls Akilah gave me awhile ago. They are great stainless steel prep bowls, with tight lids. They were gone. And I felt the ire in me rise. I wanted to lash out and say something, but decided to let it go. It's not worth it. After the wings were prepped, I went and washed me hair. It was way overdue, I went under my sink to get my hair dryer and a bunch of stuff she moved there a few months back was down there. It's among a bunch of stuff that was left here. And I can't tell if it was intentional or untintentional.
Tomorrow is the Chargers vs Raiders game and I am bothered that Akilah and I will not be watching it together. It's the season opener for both of our teams. Sundays and football have historically been about smack talking, BBQ and seeing how many homo-erotic innuendos the commentators make. Tomorrow folks are coming over frankly because I don't want to be sitting at home alone wallowing in my self-pity. They'll help distract me, but I know where my head will be at the entire time.
This is coupled with the weird and very vivid deam I had last night I had where Akilah made an apperance. I hate dreaming about people I know, because I've learned it's usually a harbinger of things to come. I couldn't resist calling her because what I dreamnt about was a serious issue. She of course laid in on me and didn't want to hear anything I had to say, so I interrupted her with the question that was haunting me. It seemed to stun her and she got off the phone quickly without answering the question. I hope and pray for a particular answer and that she wasn't trying to mess with my head. But there's nothing I can do but wait and see.
I hate dreaming about the people I know.
Went to my favorite breakfast eatery, Lake Murray Cafe for a late breakfast. I slept in and dreamnt a lot stuff, but I don't remember much of it. But I woke up feeling prettt good. So whatever I was dreaming couldn't have been that bad. :)
After brunch I headed off to see 9. It was a really, really cool movie. I hope folks watch it with an open mind. I think like District 9 (coincidence in the naming??), a lot of the nuances of the movie will be lost because people will be focused on the guns and aliens and action. It will be branded too slow or plodding. Like any movie goer I appreciate a straight to the point mind numbing movie, at the same time it's not when there's a little be more to be had. As I think of it, there's hasn't been a decent straight shoot 'em movie. Anyway, 9 is a thinking sci-fi flick. There is a lot going on beneath the surface.
Then it was off to Walmart, and as I shopped there I was recalling something else that I was told in my previous relationship. I was told how I had never changed and how I fundamentally the same person I was in the beginning of the relationship. Another false assertion. The mere fact that I was in Walmart wearing flip flops, is a huge change. LOL I have changed so many ways of doing things, habits and other things over the last 2+ years. How were they missed?? Some of those changes were not good ones and I should've thought better of making those changes.
As I walked through WalMart I was reminded about my fetish for making lists. Lists bring order to the chaos of my mind. They help me sort out the noise from the stuff in my head. I've been working several lists, a few of them actually have been coming to me unconsciously. They will never be posted on this site or anywhere else. On the good advice of some friends, I will continue to develop these lists and at some point destroy them. The lists help. It's not healthy to keep them around, but it is healthy to allow myself to process the stuff going on in my head and heart thoroughly. Among the lists are reasons why we shouldn't get back together, reasons for getting back together, things I will not miss, things I will miss, things she will probably not miss about me, things she might miss about me...and so on. The stuff on her part is pure speculation, but that empathic piece is ingrained in my personality. I cannot turn it off, just as I cannot stop breathing.
I spent 2 hours at the gym and worked out some of these feelings in my head. I jogged .2 miles, a far cry from the 4-5 miles I used to run. However, I will I get back to it. It feels good to be back in it. So when I feel the need, I will hit the 24 Hour fitness nearby.
I am looking forward to the Chargers season opener Monday night. On a whim I decided to check and see if the Merriman jersey I was given as a Christmas present was still in the closet. No it was not. It had been taken among the other things Akilah took. For awhile I was angry, and then that turned into something else...I feel kind of sorry for her. That might not be the right way to put it. Bit I am compelled to pray for her and her friends.
Today of all days, I didn't want to come across some ignorant shit, but sure enough I did. Someone on Facebook posted something about doing a 9/11 movie and casting the suicide jumpers - in jest. Another person ranted about why we are forced to remember this day. Who decided that we do this? I guess everyone is welcomed to their opinions and say what they want. I guess it's also easier to make such claims when you weren't personally effected by that tragedy. One of my best friends was supposed to be in downtown Manhattan that day. By the grace of God, she wasn't. Furthermore, I would wager the people making those claims themselves have never had a near death experience and/or don't appreciate their own loves. For me 9/11 doesn't just resonate because American lives were lost in a tragic and fucked up manner - noncombatants at that. No, what strikes me is the ignorance that allowed those hijackers to take over those planes and do what they did in the name of their own beliefs. Sort of like the idiots right now making light of this tragedy and their own ignorance. At the end of the day, those people get to wake up in the morning and make their dumbass statements. I wonder how thankful they are to even be able to take another breath?
Switching gears...
...while talking to Asaunta about the myriad thoughts going off in my head. One of things that I was accused of in my most recent relationship was we never did anything. We just talked about doing stuff, but never really did anything. At first I accepted this statement out of hand, and figured she was right. Then I started thinking about it and it was really rubbing me the wrong way because it was a completely offbase statement. Off hand we did the following:
Or not to mention the trips that were in the works that included:
Today I reposted the SDReader and Craig's List ad for the room for rent, and I got a call. It was a woman, with a rather thick European accent. I couldn't tell if it was French, but it may have been. She'll be stopping by tomorrow to take a look around. I've been spending part of my free time today researching questions people should ask roommates. I cannot stop thinking about David. He was my favorite roommate, not that I had a whole lot to compare to though. He was chill, laid back and put up with a lot more crap than I thought possible. More than that, his house along the way became my home. There were rules about noise, use of the common area, et al but I looked forward to driving home. Even when things in the house were tough or something was going on, I always looked forward to going home.
So I ask myself, how can I make this person or someone else, a stranger in my house feel at home? Is it something I do, give, buy for them...what is the secret??
Ps. All those times I called out late due to arguments, trying to resolve issues before getting to work, has officially bit me in the ass. I just received a verbal for my attendance. Every time I have called in late in the last 6 mos, save for today has been drama related. Drama, the gift that keeps on giving.
Focusing on work is helping. While I want to wring some people's necks and that wouldn't be kosher and all, the work is keeping my mind off of stuff. I decided it was past time to wash the car. The G8 was filthy. While getting ready to wash it, this little white haired old lady parks her car in front of the car wash entrance and sits there for a little while. She gets out of her car after a few minutes and walks up to me and with introduction or pleasntries, asks when I'll be done. She said it takes her 20 minutes to wash her car (10 year old or so Mercedes C-class). I told her well it can take me 20-30, may be even 45 minutes depending. She gaffs at that, saying that my car isn't that much bigger than hers. And I said, it will take as long as it needs to.
26 minutes later I was done. The sun was already set.
Sarah stopped by with some Chinese takeout and we watched Top Chef. Pretty much everyone close to me knows what's going on and I warn them about the topic that will probably dominate my end of any conversation. She took it in stride. It sort of felt like she took pity on me. lol A couple of things that stood out from the evening:
1) it was nice to share a meal with someone and not have to worry about if I should grab as much as I could of a particularly good dish before it all got taken. When we sat down I filled my plate with as much as I could. I looked over at Sarah and saw she had dished out a little bit of everything and held back. I felt ashamed for behaving so greedily.
2) it was interesting/odd/nice to sit quietly and watch Top Chef. Neither of us were on phones, and I didn't have the urge to jump on my laptop. We just sat quietly and watched the chefs suffer through hard dinner service for one of the most renowned French chefs.
I spent the rest of the night lost in my thoughts, transferring pix from the Pow Wow. Recalling how a weekend that went so incredibly well, turn to shit, so incredibly fast.
As usual I was running behind and Jason was already at the house. He says to me, "I bet the desk is still in there." And even though I was all the way down the walkway, I could see a door tag hanging there. Sure enough the Salvation Army note said they didn't pick up the desk because no one was home. Even though that was the whole point of the not being returned yet. Which then told me, the remaining items on the counter would also be there. Sure enough the items were there. Under my note asking for them to be taken, on the same sheet of paper, was a note from her asking me to throw them away. Seriously? Was this done out of spite, laziness, sticking it back to me or something? It made/makes NO sense. Sure enough the desk is upstairs and the remaining items she chose not to take with her. Once again, not taking full responsibility to seeing something to the end. Once again, deciding what she was going to do and not do, and doing what was convenient for her.
The mission for the night was to replace the locks on the security gate and inside door. Mission accomplished on both counts.
I refuse to lay down and die. I reached out tonight, only to get a response from someone totally unexepected. Someone that totally raised a flag. The message was clear: back off. The ironic thing is, I wanted to tell Akilah she was right on many, many counts. This feels very much like having lost a loved one that you never had a chance to reconcile with. That scenario where people have fights, one leaves and dies in a car accident never having the opportunity to reconcile. Like on so many other occasions in my past where I have had to let someone go without saying good-bye.
Someone did not die, but something passed on today. I am reminded of Orson Scott Card's book, Speaker for the Dead in which someone is chosen to speak on behalf of a person who recently passed away. The Speaker would spend time with the family and friends of the individual left behind. The Speaker would spend time with those closest to the deceased. The Speaker would do this for weeks, sometimes months gathering information. The objective for the Speaker was to speak honestly and truthfully about the deceased. The Speaker's job was not to paint the person in a positive light or to rewrite their history that the community may adore the deceased in the end. The purpose of the speaking was not for forgiveness or atonement of any wrong doings on behalf of the deceased. Nor was it intended to exact revenge from the grave upon those who harmed the deceased in anyway.
I am compelled to speak for the my deceased loved one, in the metaphoric sense.
We loved you. We still love you. We nurtured and cared for you the best we could. Our skills were woefully inadequate to help you grow and flourish. In the beginning we both toiled tirelessly to provide for you. Giving you everything we could, and more. In the end, you did not fail us. We failed you. We turned to our own self-interest, and made them more important than you. In the end, rather than listening to you and what you needed from us, we listend to our selfish desires.
We were not patient with you. We rushed your growth. Rather than letting you develop on your own, we tried at every turn using passive and active means to mold you into the form we thought you should be. We became the architects of our own despair. Our arrogance, vanity and pride replaced the compassion, love and empathy you needed.
Today is the day we both left you. Today we both turned our backs on you. Today we let you die.
You would have been strong.
This day reminds me of the scene in The Wedding Singer where Linda goes over to Robby's place after blowing off the wedding, and tells him she was having second thoughts because she's marrying a wedding singer. Like the man said, information that could've been useful yesterday!
I had 2nd thoughts about going to D&K's pool party, but with Akilah's encouragement I thought better of it and went. She said it would be good to hang out with my friends. I loathe it when she uses that expression, but it sounded sincere.
At approximately 3PM PST, I became a statistic. I am told by my gf, that she is moving her stuff out of my place while I am at a pool party, she recommended me to go to. I was broken up with via text message. That pretty much dominated my psyche for the rest of the night. I was mad. We texted some more after that and I said some pretty fucked up things. To have this amazing weekend end this way, was another sucker punch to my sternum.
I did my best to just chill out. I have to say that I am officially a fan of saltwater systems for pools. The feel, taste and it even made me more bouyant than a chlorine pool. I had also forgotten how great it was to have an honest to goodness simple grilled burger and hot dog. I was fun and tastey.
I almost didn't make it out of there alive due to the tree monkey hanging off my back! LOL
For about 2 or 3 years Akilah has wanted me to go to Pow Wow. And each year we talked about going and never ended up doing it. Last year, it ended up being hot as Hades AND it rained turning the place into a mud bog according to her contacts up there. The year before I think we ended up forgetting or something just came up. I forgot which. The year before I don't think we know each other like that yet or something.
Even though things with us were in a nebulous phase, last night gave me hope we were heading down a positive path. It was mad cool. The drumming was my favorite part. The Northern style singing. The costumes were ridiculously elaborate. The Men's Fancy Dancing was pretty damned intense. It was very nice being next to Akilah. It felt very familiar, very comfortable. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Our moments were interrupted with the as-expected texting, phone calls and Facebook updating/responding. It occured to me in that moment why all that bugs me: it makes wonder if I am interesting or engaging enough? Perhaps I am not. Still it was good spending time together.
Tonight Akilah and I decided to get out of the house and do something OUT! We missed the movie and between the 2 of us we had the idea of going to Coronado and chilling on the beach. Grabbing some sandwiches and having an impromptu evening picnic sounded like a dandy idea! Akilah drove as she knew the area best and we parked a few blocks from the beach and near the main drag. We walked around looking for a place to grab sandwiches and stumbled across this place grilling carne asada and pollo asado on the side walk! We grabbed a couple of fresh tacos and made our way to the beach.
We spent our time talking about the stuff on our minds. The good, the bad, our suspicions, fears, concerns and the good. She had forgotten, her celly in the car and over the course of the evening I had forgotten my cell was on me. We were just there, in the moment, and it was one of our best times together. There was still tension and uncertainty between us, but being together was better than being apart.
Afterwards, we drove around Coronado with Akilah pointing out to me where she lived and went to school. In the window of her old house was a Chargers sticker - poetic justice I would say! Damned Raiders fans!! It'd be cool some day show Akilah where I grew up and went to school. Hopefully that day will happen.
In the almost 4 years I've been in San Diego and organized parties, game nights, BBQs, etc. I had never cancelled an event and after what went down this week, I really did not want to have the party. At the same time I was sitting on a turkey that couldn't be re-frozen, but most importantly many concerned people who wanted to be be there for me. I decided to do the BBQ on a limited basis. With Asaunta flying in, I decided I need to get it back on.
Asaunta flew in and we went to Wendy's to get some food in her and catch up. It's funny how her and my communication waxes and wanes, but no matter how much time goes by we pick up like no time at all has passed!
My mind was blown again for the 2nd time in a short period of time. After I got gas, Akilah and I spoke about my conversation with Brenda yesterday. Apperantly, my good intentions were not met well. Allegedly by my asking to not being on Brenda's Facebook was tantamount to a great offense. According to Brenda it was the same as telling her, "go to hell". And somehow it was some form of "rejection" - all direct quotes. I basically spent 15 minutes on the phone being yelled at for my decision. For some reason, I was not being heard that removing Facebook Brenda, was NOT the same thing as removing real life Brenda. Her response was FB was a tool for communication and that since she couldn't talk to me all the time, FB was the next best thing. But as I told Akilah there are so many other ways of contact. We have each other's cell, work numbers, personal and work emails and hell even IM's. Still my argument fell on deaf emotional ears. My brain is truly boggled.
The other part of the story that blows my mind is, apperantly agreeing with Brenda that she had indeed screwed up and was not thinking by posting what she did about the apartment - had troubled her. She had gotten upset, lost sleep and was very bothered by my agreeing she was not thinking. So basically because she said sorry, it should've made everythng ok? Since when did forgiveness become such a cheap commodity?? When people fuck up and hurt someone else, forgiveness, IF it is a sincere objective is something that is earned. However, if the person who is wronged isn't interested in forgiveness and would rather just torture the person that's a different story. I could've forgiven Brenda. It was as genuine misstep. The notion that a text saying sorry should be enough to gain forgiveness blows my mind.
During the same conversation I expressed my concern to Brenda about being the go-betwee Akilah and I. Based on things Akilah has said to me and what Brenda has said, the things Brenda relays makes no sense and sometimes do not match up. Her inaction makes no sense. If Brenda knows I am aching to talk to Akilah and she knows from Akilah that she wants to speak to me...why not get out of the middle and get us together? The whole thing about being impartial and not doing anything is bullshit. Inaction IS doing something. How are the interests of her friends served by not at least trying to get us to talk? I boggles the mind.
Akilah and I went to see the new Jeremy Pivens movie, The Goods. It was pretty much 90 minutes of pure Ari Gold from Entourage. It wasn't a bad thing per se, but for sure damned entertaining. Afterwards, we went to this Japanese place nearby for dinner which was eh, ok. I had the udon, which seems to be hard to come by or I'm just not looking in the right places. She a very dry shrimp tempura. We ended up talking about the stuff that lead to our drama recently. The conversation really wasn't productive. We later took the conversation to the parking lot where we stood outside Akilah's car and had what it felt like a trial for our relationship. Somehow the words 'compatible' and 'incompatible' joined her vernacular in describing our relationship. And I had never heard that from her before and it was incredily surprising. The discussion moved to the KFC, where I started to get to source of some of the compatibility notions. We ended closing the place talking stuff over. For me a lot of conclusions that were made were the first time I was hearing them. Clearly a lot of thought and discussion went into them...sadly none of those discussions were with me. Like so many things, it seemed like I was treated to the aftermath of the process, rather than being part of the process from the outset.